Top psychotherapist reveals 9 tips for parenting the Danish way
A leading Danish psychotherapist is urging parents not to enforce time-outs for misbehaving teens - but to use time-ins instead.
Mother-of-two Iben Sandahl, of Copenhagen, says parents must question traditional and accepted methods of punishment.
And she says forcing a teenager to reflect on their behaviour in a solitary manner will not yield positive results, but encouraging them to use time-ins where the teen can think and express their emotions in a more caring environment will result in a happier child.
The tip is one of many included in her new bestselling book, The Danish Way of Raising Teens: What the happiest people in the world know about raising confident, healthy teenagers with character.
Psychotherapist Iben Sandahl has provided tips on raising children the Danish way (stock image)
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Share1. Opt for time-ins rather than time outs
Iben says: 'Ultimatums, power struggles and shaming your teenager teaches them that you are dominant and above them.
'I often hear time-outs being used to set an example. But there are simply no options to follow a time-out, and they are therefore much like ultimatums.'
She says the idea behind time-outs is to discourage bad behaviour by putting a teen in a tiresome situation they would rather avoid, such as sitting in their room for hours thinking about why they got drunk.
But she says that teenagers are not fully in control of themselves and says it is a parents job to 'guide not punish'.
She adds that a time-in is a bit like a time-out but much more 'caring and valuable'.
She says: 'It provides a break for teenagers to express themselves and calm down in a safe atmosphere, not threatened with ultimatums and being excluded.
'Having a parent present to co-regulate with the teen and provide language for their feelings, comfort and guidance on alternative methods of expressing themselves makes time-ins a better alternative.
'If you only point out what your teen is not allowed to do, they will have difficulty figuring out what you want them to do.'
She adds that for those parents who prefer to keep time-outs in their lives, they should also introduce time-ins to create balance.
She says: 'I know of families who have a "sacred armchair" in their living room.
'No one may disturb them while they’re sitting in the chair. Anyone can take a turn for a while and not feel alone.
'I love this concept because we all need to be close to those who make us feel safe when calming our nervous system down.'
The book draws on Iben's long-standing work as a psychotherapist. Other tips in the book include...
Psychotherapist Iben Sandahl has written several books about how to parent teens in a positive manner
2. Provide Information
Teenagers are more upfront, requiring more knowledge and dialogue about sexuality, identity and emotions today than in past times. That is positive, but insecurities can still remain an inner dialogue. Although anyone can google these, the Internet can often confuse. I believe in having an honest and non-judgemental dialogue with my children to support them through this period of their lives.
3. Accept rejection
Teenagers sometimes do not want to talk and may leave the room. Accept their rejection and know they will come to you when they are ready. Allowing feelings will help teach them to self-regulate and regain their emotional state on their own. This is essential as they will have to deal with emotional outbursts and hurt feelings many times in their lives.
4. Accept mood changes
The reason for mood swings is found in the brain. It undergoes a significant rewiring during this time, and lots of new connections are emerging that enable your teenager to have better empathy. But this process will take time. This emotional development isn’t finished until girls reach 20 and boys 22.
5. Remember the 90 second rule
It can be difficult to deal with a teenager going from crying to laughing to silence in a short period. Remind yourself of the 90-second chemical process that happens in your teen’s body. Chemicals are flushed through the body, putting them on high alert. After that, if they continue to feel intense emotions you can help them examine the thoughts they are still having which are re-stimulating the brain circuitry. You can also remain calm and composed which will help their nervous system sync with yours.
The book by Danish psychotherapist and family counsellor Iben Sandahl is published by Piatkus
6. Recognise Confusion
Whereas your young child used to be praised as perfect, as as a teenager this changes. Perhaps it used to be funny for a child to burp at the dinner table, but suddenly, it is inappropriate and wrong.
Your child relies on you and will trust what you teach them. But they may suppress the parts that are disapproved of - and this may cause them to shut down parts of who they are.
7. Do set boundaries
A conscious parent is one who can set boundaries but can also enter a dialogue with the teenager if something feels unfair to them. Setting boundaries is about being a good-enough parent that your teen can lean on confidently.
8. Give out chores
If you get children involved in household chores before adolescence, it will feel quite natural for them to carry on. Chores gives them the benefit of being able to ‘zone out’. It also gives them a chance to grow mentally and feel meaningful.
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Share9. Build trust
Denmark is voted one of the happiest countries in the world by the World Happiness Report. In part I think this is because Danish society places a high value on trust. Teens need to break free and take risks but giving them a bad rap for doing this is a mistake. You cannot control the behaviour of your teen, but you can focus on strengthening your relationship.
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